I hardly know how to write to you- I feel that I have had a very hard struggle since about Christmas and I am about tired of it. I have had no Business to speak of this Summer, neither has my Husband- Things have not gone so well since I took my Vacation last Spring. I know that I am constantly getting notions, and then having them to get rid of, making myself no end of work- my demonstrations in healing are excellent never better- I have an idea that it is thoughts of self-advancementAs Written:self advancment or self-interestAs Written:self interest that is clouding me, that I think that a good big Business would promote. I know that what I would achieve I frustrate with my own beliefs. It may be a notion of mine but it seems that it is a critical time with me, it is not of lack of effort but of inability to realize the Truth, and rise out of this strong belief of selfishness that seems to have possession of me, and I am afraid always has had, I have tried to destroy Personal ambition, and Jealousy I have none that I am aware of- The question seems to be is it to be Self- or others? I most ardently desire that it should be the Truth and others- I feel that all along I have been pursuing something of a selfish purpose unconsciously in connection with an unselfish one- but I should have been very angry if anyoneAs Written:any one had told me so- because I should not have believed it. but I feel now that the time has come when my purpose must be either one or the other that it can no longer be a mixture, it must be totally unselfish or selfish, I do not want to be any longer self-deceivedAs Written:self deceived, and I will not be a hypocrite. This is the way it appears to me that if one has any selfish thoughts of advantage to be gained by following the Truth, that our work is corrupted thereby, and is more or less willpowerAs Written:will Power, or Mind Cure, for it certainly partakes of the material, that the purely As Written: purly unselfish thoughts are mental, or Spiritual and then the treatment is purely Christian Science- which makes our treatment All-powerful- and incapable of change or relapse- Adulation, and Praise, are more dangerous than reproaches- and cater more to the Selfish, and I have had more for the last half year of that. I want to be unmoved whatever anyoneAs Written:any one says, or does.
When I have felt there As Written: their was an "Eye to be plucked out a right hand to to be cut offMatt 5:29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Matt 5:30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Matt 18:8 Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. Matt 18:9 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire. Mark 9:43 And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched: Mark 9:44 Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9:45 And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched: Mark 9:46 Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9:47 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire: Mark 9:48 Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. , it seems to me that I have not held back, and yet my Business (which has always been my greatest ambition) suffers and I have no applications to Teach. but I do not care to Teach so that does not trouble me except that I would like to rise above this material condition that I have been in so long- I sent to Mrs Crosse a few weeks ago and she gave me two weeks' As Written: weeks treatment I appreciated no advantage although there might have been some. I never ask any for help until I have exhausted everythingAs Written:every thing I can think of and I always pay them- My idea is that when I am in a Spiritual frame of mind that everythingAs Written:every thing goes well and Vice Versa- and so I am constantly struggling for the Spiritual and working very hard
I assure you when my spiritual vision is clear I am overwhelmed As Written: overwhemed with Business but it seems harder to keep it so than it used As Written: use to be. Things that were once clear to me are so no longer I know I have made great Victories. I have hitherto avoided troubling you but I thought I would let you know how I was feeling– I think I shall come out all right for I mean to adhere to the Truth when I see it–