Your dear letter of the 19" InstantAs Written:inst.Editorial Note: See V01254. is just come. I have read and re-read it. Since your letter of the 5" ult.Editorial Note: See V01246. came, I have striven to know what honesty means. I have, from the very first word of Christian Science tried to be honest. I was too honest, mortally speaking, to continue in the false teaching, when I found in it things that were contrary to common justice and my very imperfect conception of Jesus' character. When I went to the Primary Class, I saw that there was an honesty that common mortal, social and business life knew nothing of. I was so glad to learn a way to be honest, and to have a high ideal that was attainable. Up to the highest light I was able to receive, I lived, in every way. But I was, and have been ever since I have been trying to be a ScientistEditorial Note: Christian Scientist, troubled with a strange thing. I have had many hours of deep, hopeless, self-condemnation because of it. I have never been able to abolish it entirely, or for long at a time. I hardly know how to describe it. Since this letter came, I am wondering if it may not be the trail of the mental poison I must have drank deeply when in Mrs. Hopkin's, and Mr. Adam's classes, and reading Mr. Day's writings. I will attempt to describe what it is. Maybe in the effort to tell it to you it may be uncovered, and God will give me wisdom to destroy it. I don't mean to seek self-justification for I know there is no such thing. I am not seeking my Teacher's personal approval; for I know that if God approves, she does, and not otherwise. And I am sure that mortal mind in my belief of it, and in it, is no better than mortal mind is anywhere.
I have reached the conviction that if you feel that I am dishonest, then I must be, whether I know it, or not, and I want to know what honesty is, and how to attain it. Now, as to my trouble;– No matter how simple, or important a thing I may have to do, I seem never to be able to come to it, or do it without a conflict, seemingly, of motives, and often after the thing is done and the fruits show that Truth must have led, I am overwhelmed by the claim of a double motive, or a hidden self-seeking motive. The duty or leading may present itself clearly and, as Scientific, and I move forward in obedience when up from some pit will spring a suggestion that it is all for self and not for Truth that I am doing it. Then I wrestle for singleness of heart, and maybe do not go forward when I ought, as is proved afterward. Right beside the purest impulse will spring up that devil to be met and fought. I have so often longed to be again in a class with you, so that that devil might be slain. What is it? I have thought sometimes that God's promises were not for me, that some way I must have committed the "unpardonable sin"Matt 12:31 ¶Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men. Matt 12:32 And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come. Mark 3:28 Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme: Mark 3:29 But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation: Luke 12:10 And whosoever shall speak a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but unto him that blasphemeth against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven. , if there should be such a thing. Surely JesusMatt 9:13 But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. Mark 2:17 When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. Luke 5:32 I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. said that he came not to call the righteous but sinners to repentance, then he came to call me. I have heard the call and have essayed to obey, and I have been willing, I think, to bear the discipline. Where is the mischief? Do I misapprehend? I do not want to misstate anything. I know I am willing to uncover and be uncovered. I know that no good thing can be found in the carnal heart.
You say, I am sensitive to mortal mind influences. I know it. If there is one thought awry in my student's meeting, I feel it, and I have nights and days of wrestling to destroy any false sense of my own, that that student may be helped and not hindered. Dear Teacher, I do see,– I know that God has given His word to the world through you. I know that it is His word. I want to be in obedience to it, in every way. I see that, that means destruction of sense and self and that both do resist my desire to obey, daily, yet I do win the victory sometimes, ofttimes.
Like Peter, I cry "Save or I perish!"Matt 14:22 ¶And straightway Jesus constrained his disciples to get into a ship, and to go before him unto the other side, while he sent the multitudes away. Matt 14:23 And when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray: and when the evening was come, he was there alone. Matt 14:24 But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary. Matt 14:25 And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea. Matt 14:26 And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear. Matt 14:27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid. Matt 14:28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water. Matt 14:29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. Matt 14:30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. Matt 14:31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? Matt 14:32 And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased.
When I read in your letter that you hoped to have me return to BostonEditorial Note: Boston, Massachusetts, I was filled with hope and fear. Hope that I might by diligence become fit, for the work you saw that I ought to do, and fear of Boston. I uttered no protests consciously but your letter todayAs Written:to-day showed me that they were there; for a sense of relief came when I understood the sentence.
But dear, Teacher I want to be fit for any task, and so consciously fit that there will be no shrinking – if that is possible in ScienceEditorial Note: Christian Science. Jesus shrank from the cross, but divine understanding overcame the human shrinking, so I suppose the best will be the going ahead in human weakness, but divine strength. I am glad if you are learning all my weakness my sinfulness, all that is amiss; for I know that if you can see them, you can see too the honest desire to be right and to do right, and to learn how. I am not afraid of anybody or anything but my carnal belief of self. My one constant desire, ever since I first studied with Mrs. Roberts has been to be a quick, sure healer in Divine ScienceEditorial Note: Christian Science. I have had many, to me, wonderful demonstrations in healing, yet I approach almostAs Written:all most every case with trembling, and when the healing is from sin as well as sickness, I feel that in some way it was a mistake, that I had no right to think the Truth had wrought the wonder through me. By healing from sin, I mean that the patient returns to glorify God, and learn His will and way through Christian Science, and better health and morals result. A beautiful work is begun here in St. Louis. To do it Scientifically, purely, Christianly – is my highest desire todayAs Written:to-day. To do it thus means that the ultimate of ScienceEditorial Note: Christian Science is for me and those who believe on His Word through me. I can be freed from the deadly poison of that dishonest, false teaching, can I not? I have many students who look to me as their teacher for patient guidance in the way of ScienceEditorial Note: Christian Science. I have pointed them to Science & HealthEditorial Note: Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy; but I have not been able to save them all from the snare of the fowlerPs 91:3 Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. .
I have one in TacomaEditorial Note: Tacoma, Washington; for whom I am in great sadness. She, poor child, is the victim of two claims, one the persuasion of a person, who says that Science and HealthEditorial Note: Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy is alrightAs Written:all right but your other writings are all mortal mind, and that she has had such great revelations that she alone is fit to heal on the Coast. She has treated everybody'sAs Written:every body's students and patients for a year to turn them away from their teachers and healers. She is one of the Geo. B. Day thought – this far. She was healed by an erratic woman who had just been taken through a Normal (?) course by Mr. Day,– while in her class. I never saw this Mrs. Stowe. I can only do as you did by me; wait until the scales drop from her (my student's) eyes. I mailed a letter concerning matters in Tacoma enclosing some other letters to Dr. Eddy this morning; as the matter reached other teacher's students and their work.
I hope to attend the alumni meeting in February. If you still hope that I am worth bringing into Life, and that I do need more Light in order to reach the goal, may I see you then? Your decision adversely will not prevent my attending the meeting if the means to do so are mine. God has never failed in supplying every need in that way for my furtherance. I do not mean that he fails in any way; but I have brought that into demonstration so many times.
I shall read your letters, and obey their injunctions so far as I can learn their meaning, and try not to misapprehend them. I was so blessed when I thought that I might call you Mother. My heart does call you Mother anywayAs Written:any way, and I would honor you as the Scripture commands.
P. S. Since writing the first part of this letter a number of hours have elapsed. They have been hours of heaviness and conflict. I have come to the conclusion that I am only a "7th- of - Romans - Christian"Editorial Note: Later in this letter, Julia Field-King references Romans 7:15-25Rom 7:15 For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I. Rom 7:16 If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good. Rom 7:17 Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. Rom 7:18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. Rom 7:19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. Rom 7:20 Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. Rom 7:21 I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me. Rom 7:22 For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: Rom 7:23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. Rom 7:24 O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? Rom 7:25 I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin. .. I begin to see that "with what measureMatt 7:2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. ye mete it shall be measured to you again". I have been shocked when disaffected students of other teachers have told me of their teachers delinquencies, and I believed the students, and judged the teachers. I must be reaping what I have sowed. Last fall when I arrived in Boston from my visit to St. Louis, I passed through a very strange experience. I met it as a belief of malicious animal magnetism and thought it was overcome. It was, so far as I was conscious. I hardly know how to describe it. I would start to speak a clearly defined thought that was in my mind, and would really say something entirely foreign to my thought and maybeAs Written:may be not know it until my attention was called to the fact that I had said something irrelevant, or contrary to the subject in hand. To illustrate– at breakfast, I would start to ask for the salt and would say sugar, or something entirely different to what was in my mind.
I became almost afraid of myself. I said nothing, I think to anyoneAs Written:any one, but met it the best I could. I have not been troubled that way since. But some days I have a sense of confusion and I handle that in the same way and it disappears. Is there to be no end of conflicts? There are times when I know that divine Truth does speak through me with power and demonstration, and I have days of sweet, true peace, but I want an abiding peace, a constant consciousness of His guiding presence.
I want to ask you a question, if I may. The need to ask you has just come to me.– Last year in Boston. in August or September I was told by several that the students of your students – your loyal students – those whom you recognized as loyal, would be received, if you ever taught a Primary Class, or a class that they would be fit for. I did not think then of its applying at all to my students for I felt that sense of separation that was almost more than I could bear; but when I saw my own great error and the Light came to me, I felt so full of happiness for my own dear student's sake; for then if I could recommend them they could apply for admission, and if you saw their fitness they could go to you. I recommended a lady and her husband to go Dr. Eddy to study, and they are accepted and are waiting to be called. I was telling her a little while ago what my hope was for my students through the assurance that you would take worthy students of loyal teachers into your class and she said that she understood that only Dr. Eddy's students would be received. I told her that I knew of some students of other teachers who had been accepted who had not applied previous to the closing of the College – that is they had told me of their acceptance. Now, please will you tell me whether I am right or wrong in my conclusion? I have held out the hope to my students that if I am able to prove my earnest desire to be a loyal obedient student, and they did the same, that they could apply for admission if you ever taught, and that I hoped to be called if you ever taught, and fitted for greater work than I had ever done.
Have I done wrong in that? The matter was talked of by many of the teachers in Boston a year ago, and I never doubted but that I was right, and never thought of asking about it untilAs Written:untill this came to me just now.
I have always recommended my students to go to Dr. Eddy for a course, and do so still, and many are hoping to go; but I supposed that was necessary for them as I had never presumed to give a Normal Course to anyoneAs Written:any one, and I did not feel that my students would be received. This hope for them is newborn, and has been a great joy to me. I have not held out intentionally more than that they might apply, and their reception would depend upon your perception of their fitness.
Forgive me dear, Teacher, if I am pouring out what you do not want to hear. Again I pray you to help your bewildered student. I would not willingly think or do wrong. I want to be right, and surely I can be taught, can I not?
Is this the stage of the separation of the two "I"s of which Paul tells is Romans 7" 15-25Rom 7:15 For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I. Rom 7:16 If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good. Rom 7:17 Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. Rom 7:18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. Rom 7:19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. Rom 7:20 Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. Rom 7:21 I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me. Rom 7:22 For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: Rom 7:23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. Rom 7:24 O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? Rom 7:25 I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin. ? I seem such a contradiction. Malicious animal magnetism seems determined to shut me out from the Light that must come to me through nearness to you, and in spite of it people on healed and converted to Christian Science through my work, and the true Light seems theirs for they demonstrate from Science & HealthEditorial Note: Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy and go joyously forward. I have diligently striven to protect my students from myself – that is – I have held the thought that I could not be made a channel of error to them directly or indirectly, and I have never consciously, or willingly or willfully As Written: wilfully put one thought of my will upon a single student, or anyoneAs Written:any one else. I would not dare to do such a thing. To me it would be a sin of deeper dye than murder.
Whenever anyoneAs Written:any one comes to my thought, if anxiety, fear, irritation, doubt of them, envy, or jealousy or anger comes with the thought I immediately meet those feelings with the Truth of Being as I would if a headache asked for recognition. Is there more for me to do than that? I need to be told so much, it seems, Dear Teacher will you patiently read this long letter, and tell me as a little child what I must do that I do not do? Is it that I do not know how to handle animal magnetism? I do not pretend to be what I am not, I have seen the Science of Christian Science. If I am the only one of all mortal men shut out of the chamberMatt 25:1 Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. Matt 25:2 And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. Matt 25:3 They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: Matt 25:4 But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. Matt 25:5 While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept. Matt 25:6 And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him. Matt 25:7 Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps. Matt 25:8 And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out. Matt 25:9 But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves. Matt 25:10 And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut. Matt 25:11 Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us. Matt 25:12 But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not. Matt 25:13 Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh. when the Bridegroom comes, I still know that Christian Science is God's word and I must say it to the sick and sinning everywhereAs Written:every where, and God does give me courage and power to say it effectively.
Please forgive me the trouble I have cost you, maybe this difficult child will someday be a blessing. Help me to get free from the mental poison of the false teaching. I have no other Teacher but you, if I have not found my way to the FatherEditorial Note: God. I know no other Way-showerAs Written:Way shower.
Sunday morning;
Dear mother, The night has been a horror; What have I done to merit your displeasure? For four or five weeks my old hope, energy and courage have been mine, and I have known that it was the light of God shining through your dear face that was turned to me in Love.
Miss Bartlett illustrated a thought she gave me this summer in this way – The Light came through you to us, and if we were outside the line of its rays we were in the dark. And if we were in the line of its rays it would shine through us and illumine our students. The Truth of that illustration appealed to me. I thought for so long, that a student could change his teacher at will, and a teacher discard or give to another a student at will; but Dr. Eddy said in the Association once, that he would never let a student go. I thought that was hard on the student if the student wanted to go; but the Law and Order divine of succession has at last dawned upon me, and I am trying to be more faithful to my students in as impersonal a way as I can learn. If I had no students my sorrow and fear of failure would not oppress me so. The thought of the suffering that would come to them if I could fail in truth and loyalty has held me more than once to continue the seemingly hopeless struggle.
What have I done that you can no longer be my Mother? I do not think I could remain in this dream, or sane long if the horrors of last night continued.
I cannot work or live under the ban of your displeasure. I have never wanted to disobey you. I have not understood. Can I understand? Save, or I perish! You know, dear Teacher that I have never said publicly or privately, wrote or done anything I should fear to have you know. I have a deep conviction that I could not; for our hearts are open books to you. I have said much that is foolish and ignorant – and hence unscientific, and because unscientific, untrue; but I have not been under the delusion of secret disobedience. That you must know.
In what have I erred that my peace and hope seem so far away? Tell me how to be honest, and obedient, and wise, and I will try to understand.
Dear patient Teacher, bear with me a little longer. If I am of no service in the work of Divine Science, tell and I will drop out of sight; for I dare not be a hindrance to any. I am to sense a childless, penniless, widow on the borders of old age. God will be my husband, my children my all, I cannot get out of His hands, but I can get out of the way of those seeking Him through the blessed revelations of Divine Science.